Raising Kids

[catnine]

I'm just glad I wasn't brought up in his situation.  A drunken father was bad enough, but Joe Jackson is the devil incarnate.  If ever I bemoan my life in future days, I will think of him and thank my lucky stars for what I've had and haven't had.

 I can relate to MJ . My father had a great sense of humor and did not drink yet he could turn on a dime and become the devil himself and beat and belittle to the point of I did not know which way to turn.

 I remember it took me three years of working with him as his sole helper as a carpenter from the age or 7 and missed all the summer vacations from school to work a mans job . This was just to get my first electic guitar. When i asked if we could go get it i was punished and made to clean out the garage that night and waited another three months to get that harmony rocket . I didn't have an amp yet my mother having working in her later years went and called sears to get me a Silver Tone two twelve piggy back amp and had her way of hiding it yet so he would not know , i had to hide it from my father . The guilt was far too much for me so I had her return it and did without an amp.

 I never got along with my father . In 1987 a few years before he died I would always call and try to avoid his crap and then said , if we can't be father and son can we be friends and he hung up the phone.

 Then he left messages on out anwering machine calling me a pip squeak for not answering and called me all sorts of be littling names but i was done trying and I was 38 years old at the time . Then when after all the years of begging him to see a doctor then being christion science heal your self ideals I got a call from my sistors in IL telling me to call because the home nurse that was checking on him told them he was holding on to hear from me so i called , he was not able to speak , my mother put the phone to his ear and then I was told he died an hour later . Right after that my mother admitted herself into a mental insitution , she was always under his control , never drove or had independance and did not know what to do .

 My sisters got her out yet they never listened so I called her all those years as before and we always talked and I always supported her in what she wanted to do and listened since my sisters thought she should not date after this and I supported her and she did have some years of fun and died at 88 alone in some rehabe home my sisters said was a nice place , well this was a lie and I was not with the funds to go out there from Calif and see for myself.

 The guilt is numbing for me . This was close to three years ago she passed .

 If it were not for music and the guitar I would have never made it this long or through all those years .

 I was in groups but never reached that dream I had as a youth but it's ok . I have been honest even though being honest has not helped me much in this world but I will remain honest to a fault even if i am the only one who knows. It matters to me.

 Art and music were my only interests in life and a good female reationship , well I have the music and the relationship  which has passed the 29th year mark and for that I feel lucky  even though I barely have a dime to my name .

 You don't get to choose your parents or what may be programed in your mind but you can make the best of what's in you and go with that and ride it out until the end .

[jhadhar65]

>...all the stuff catnine said...

All I can say is, "Wow!"  What an incredible story.  I'm on this board for one reason only - to build the best amp product I can.  I keep my life pretty compartmentalized, which is why I don't participate in the "So Tell Us About You" threads.  Even so, I had to comment on this post and tell something of my self.  I've got three kids and I have this constant fear of being a bad dad.  I've seen some really horrible things in my life perpetrated on children by their parents - stuff I'll never be able empty out of my head - and that makes me even more vigilant not to be a crap dad or worse.

Still, my military and professional background has so influenced my nature that it is incredibly easy for me to act just like your dad acted.  Maybe not as bad as that, but certainly along the same lines.  I run my mouth when I should shut up and listen... I yell and raise Cain when I should hug and pat on the shoulder... I punish a child's mind for not having an adult's standard of judgment.  Stupid things.  I fully agree with "spare the rod", but as with all things, there's a right way and a wrong way.  Too often I'm very much wrong.  Last night my youngest daughter asked me if she was held back in school, would I yell?  Of all the things she could be afraid of as a result of being held back a year, it's my yelling she most worried about.  What the hell kind of a thing is that for a nine-year-old girl to be so afraid of her dad's voice?  I'm ashamed.

I appreciate what you've written very much and I apologize to the thread for wandering off topic here, but I can read your post and pretend it's something my son might say about me somewhere in the distant future and it strengthens me even more to be what I'm supposed to be and not what my foolish, spur-of-the-moment emotions seem to want.  This is far more important to me than any amp knowledge I might gain here and once again I'm very glad to be a member of this group.

[catnine]

 I think back to how I felt as a child . By the time you enter school suddenly you are faced with peer pressure and trying to fit in and the alway present school bully so I child has a lot to deal with and once they enter the world of school all they have is a balancing act of what their experience at home is and what their inner emotions tell them to do and how to react because everyone has an inner sense of their own .

 I felt sort of a loner and outsider and this caused me to be the quiet one and stay in the distance I guess this was mainly a fear of failing or not measuring up which was a direct result in my mind of how there was no pleasing my father.

 being a parent is not easy either because they carry their own past burdens . All I know is a child needs recognition by their parents and for the parent to remember what it is like to be a child .

 If I had just that as a child and the one important thing , encouragement , no matter if the childs view or interests are and many times they don't meet the parents expectations or approval if the child is not allowed to follow their interests then the childs spirit is killed .

 Certainly there needs to be balance and not anything goes but if the child feels they are heard then this is the main key.

 I was good at art , my art teacher went out of his way to get me into classes and field trips and said he would help me go further yet once I expressed this to my father his response as always " It's not necessary" because it was not an interest my father had so i should not have it.

 The art teacher liked my work and asked if he could have some of my paintings and clay work and this made me feel motivated and accepted. Yet if you don't have the parents support which is the main thing as a child then you are left hanging in the middle somewhere with doubt. I became a perfectionist because of this and locked into perfection as a goal and motivation , not really a good thing because nothing is perfect .

 Jhad, there is nothing wrong with doing the best job possible at all . The perfectionist comment was not directed at you .

 From your comments you are aware and think about your life and your family which is a very good thing so don't be too hard on yourself.

[jhadhar65]

I've asked sluckey to break this last bit off to it's own thread.  I'll wait and pick it back up when he gets it moved.

Still very good dialogue here and your insight ranks among some of the most valuable information I've gotten since I came to this place.

[jhadhar65]

Thanks, Steve!

>All I know is a child needs recognition by their parents and for the parent to remember what it is like to be a child .
>...if the child feels they are heard then this is the main key.
>...don't have the parents support... you are left hanging in the middle somewhere with doubt.

Excellent points.  This should be in a handbook.

>The perfectionist comment was not directed at you .

But if the shoe fits... and it does.  Don't worry about offending me, I can't become a better parent or anything else if nobody points out my faults.  It's hard to find a balance and I understand that parenting is a matter of balance and compromise - much like hot rod amp building.  Mine are 17, 13, and 9, so I don't have much time left.  I don't think I'll ever have the relationship with my 17 year old I really want.  I spent too much time "on the job" and away from home when she was young.  Still, I want to do a better job.

Anyway, I obviously find the things you've said here pretty valuable.  I imagine there are people in the community where you live that would think so, too.  Are you involved or have you been involved with any groups that might benefit from your experiences?  In real life, I mean, not online?  Not pushing you here, just curious to hear how that worked/is working.

[catnine]

  I imagine there are people in the community where you live that would think so, too.  Are you involved or have you been involved with any groups that might benefit from your experiences?  In real life, I mean, not online?  Not pushing you here, just curious to hear how that worked/is working.
[/quote]

 No . I am not involved in any community where I live . Everyone I knew around here has moved away and on the job I fear I haven't made any real connections . Even though I did my very best and kept honest I was tossed from that job of 12 years by the new general manager and through many efforts and trials and loss I have ended up on a fixed income.

 I do write from time to time , everyone calls them rants . All are from real life experience I have pasted one below .  

 I do think it is never too late to get back what time you feel you lost with your 17 year old , the tuff part really is when you present a change it takes time for it to be accepted and trusted .
 
 I am certain most people wish they had done things differently yet we know what we know at the time and that is our mental map so to speak . The old saying " if I knew back then what I knew today " yet that's not reality simply because it's not possible. I guess after all is said and done all you can do is set aside special time with the members of your family you feel you need to connect with and share one of their interests with them . I don't think there is a person alive who does not have regret , if they don't then they are not human or in complete denile .

 Here is my little rant done on-line , it just relate one of my past memories. It was one of few highlights I can recall .

First I have to build a few real characters .

There is my father Harold , the perfectionist carpenter , only his way is
the right way .

His older sister Tuty , a stearn , plump never smiled in her life , over
hair styled sour lady .

Her husband known as Uncle George , always well groomed , always with the
suit and tie , quiet with always a hit of held back humor seen on his face .

As my aunt and uncle they owned a three story flat in Brookfield ILL .
Complete with the
dark over stocked basement of items never remembered and always had a use
some day . Throw nothing out . This was the set and setting .

Their two sons and one daughter , Wayne , a spin off in dress and posture
of Uncle George and Ronny , same attire however I was always told he was
dropped as a child and this defined the reason he was slow where he could
not put a child's puzzle together . They insist on always explaining these
things , I don't know if I ever asked . There was also a middle child Louis
, a close copy of her mother Tuty with a smile yet not so polished .

Ronny shared the first floor , Wane with his wife Delores lived on the
second floor and Louis does not matter she and her husband thin and frail
Pete lived somewhere else .

One day back in 1963 George and Wayne decided to bring home a pool table ,
after great effort ( so the story goes ) they managed to get the table
through the narrow doors and down the narrow hall and down the steps to the
basement . However this was not quite the normal effort one would require ,
no , they found it some how necessary to break the pool table in half and
then force it back together and level it with what odds and ends were to be
found .

Driving the 30 miles from a sparse and sorry ex farmland turned
neighborhood called Sunset Hills a few miles away from a small town
consisting of a auto dealer /bicycle shop and the school district 54 school
bus storage yard was Schaumburg .

My family consisting of parents and a brother and two sisters and me drove
to have a night of visit and fun while the men , me included were to play a
few games of pool , I was 14 . My cousins were in their 30's and not because
there was a great difference between my fathers age and Tuty .

We went down the stairs to a lit room and a keg of beer and a juke box ,
somehow George and Wayne managed to capture and fashion the look and
feel of a neighborhood bar pool hall and fit it into a very un-likely
setting , it was to me quite amazing , even the lighting was perfect .

Ah but for the sorry state of the efforts of the pool table under the
perfectionist inspection of my fathers eyes .

It did turn out a grand old evening , a quick smooth of the green felt
ridge over the slate top crack , the balls were free to roll with an aim ,
the beer brought off the ties and loosened the limbs , and a slight red tint
came across the faces of distictly different minds .

The music played , the lights never dimmed , and for that evening all the
troubles went away .

William